I really am confused lately
I'm not asking for a comfort from anyone, but then some trying to do it. Shockingly, after that they got me into something torturing... what the hell are everyone trying to do with me?!
get out of my way, I don't want the old me to come back again...
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
It's a Year That He Left, It's a Year We Lost Him
so yeah I really am spamming all my accounts with this
Today is a year that my father passed away. The sadness was doubled from other ordinary days.
so I cleaned his room, though not much. And then sent prayer to him. I hope God listening all my prayer..
It was really sad that I couldn't make a visit to his grave, because it's too far away. Although I can go there by myself, but the way there after from airport needing about 5 hours and tough ways.
But I do have plan to go there...
I remember that he's so tough when he suffered the disease. And when I accompany him in China, all I wanted to do was trying to get him happy, not drowning in his pain. Therefore I told jokes to him, playing cards *that I forced him to play though he wore some kind of oxygen mask*, having chat about what we watched on tv, and so on...
that's all that I can only do...
and a month passed in China, I should go back alone to Indonesia because I had exams at that time. I was so reluctant to go, though there were my mom, cousin and father's older brother taking care of him, but I don't want to leave.. I was rolling crying like baby on his bed crazily whining 'no' to everyone.. and he said to me,
"it's okay... I'm okay here. Good luck with your exams, don't forget to pray for me so I can back as soon as possible"
and I forced to go...
after my exams done, I had this 2 weeks holiday. Since I still have visa to China, and my father was released from hospital for 4 days, so my parents told me to go to Hong Kong so we can meet them
with my 2 younger brothers, I went to HK. Arrived there I was so shocked to see my father
what happened to him?! is he really my father?! that was what I thought.. why?
he lost his muscular body, way too skinny. I wanted to cry but I hold it.
so we waited in hotel's lobby, airport hotel, while the other go applying visa for my brothers. There were only me, father and one of my brother. He looked so happy that he can see my brother. Unknowingly there's tears on my face, he realized it
"why are you crying?"
"nah... it just, why your medical treatment take so long time" I lied..
"you should be patient. I'm okay"
damn how could I accepted his "I'm okay" ?!
we spent 3 days in HK, we go back to Guangzhou by car after visiting disneyland *though only the entrance* he got treatment around a week and we go back to Indonesia together.
in plane, I always strict for seat. I took near the window. my father was in the centre. after around 3 hours flight, he was so worried. Maybe because the effect of his disease. He told me to do this and that for him, and he said
"sorry, I'm sounded so fussy, didn't I?" I really wanted to slap myself.
arrived home late night, the next day I woke up and he went to my room telling that he wanted to borrow my guitar and played it
Guangzhou was too far, so he continue his treatment in Singapore. once a week he go back to back SG-Indo with grandpa, mom, uncle and my cousin.
until one strange day I realize that he couldn't speak. it's the effect. I was so sad. He sounded angry to himself, he even didn't want to look at me.
one day, family in Padang asked to take my father there because they also wanted to take care of him, beside, Singapore and Padang is close. So after from SG they went to Padang. it was around 10 days before he died.
2 days before National Exams, on early morning. My mom crying, on my face. I still fell asleep. And I woke up, she said to me "your father is okay now, he already healed. He's in peace, in heaven, my daughter"
I dropped a silent tears, telling everyone to get out, I don't want to hear it. I was so blank so I called my friend, Sarah, telling her in such uncommunicative way.
grandpa, mom, uncle, cousin and I went to airport. I was so dumb for not bringing my ID, so I went back home and went airport again. Therefore I only have flight with my cousin.
told you, the way there was so long. I arrived in father's family's house late night. We couldn't get to attended the funeral. Cannot see his face for the last time.
the next day I visit his grave, I could only said "hey pa" then praying.
after the first day of National Exam, a lot of friends visiting my house.
I could see my friends have "dude, your father passed away why you can still smiling?!" kind of face
because I remember his promise...
"don't cry, I'm okay, I'll be healed soon. So you don't have to cry"
I keep that dumb promise, though there're few times I crazily cry..
thanks dad for always understand me, knowing me better than others. Though I always be a bastard kid.
thanks dad for everything, although the word thanks far from enough..
Heaven is your home now
your late father and mother missed you and don't want to see you suffered, therefore they asked God to take you so you can be happy together with them :)
I love you dad
can I cry now for you who already healed, Dad?
Current Music: Alice Nine - Fantasy
Today is a year that my father passed away. The sadness was doubled from other ordinary days.
so I cleaned his room, though not much. And then sent prayer to him. I hope God listening all my prayer..
It was really sad that I couldn't make a visit to his grave, because it's too far away. Although I can go there by myself, but the way there after from airport needing about 5 hours and tough ways.
But I do have plan to go there...
I remember that he's so tough when he suffered the disease. And when I accompany him in China, all I wanted to do was trying to get him happy, not drowning in his pain. Therefore I told jokes to him, playing cards *that I forced him to play though he wore some kind of oxygen mask*, having chat about what we watched on tv, and so on...
that's all that I can only do...
and a month passed in China, I should go back alone to Indonesia because I had exams at that time. I was so reluctant to go, though there were my mom, cousin and father's older brother taking care of him, but I don't want to leave.. I was rolling crying like baby on his bed crazily whining 'no' to everyone.. and he said to me,
"it's okay... I'm okay here. Good luck with your exams, don't forget to pray for me so I can back as soon as possible"
and I forced to go...
after my exams done, I had this 2 weeks holiday. Since I still have visa to China, and my father was released from hospital for 4 days, so my parents told me to go to Hong Kong so we can meet them
with my 2 younger brothers, I went to HK. Arrived there I was so shocked to see my father
what happened to him?! is he really my father?! that was what I thought.. why?
he lost his muscular body, way too skinny. I wanted to cry but I hold it.
so we waited in hotel's lobby, airport hotel, while the other go applying visa for my brothers. There were only me, father and one of my brother. He looked so happy that he can see my brother. Unknowingly there's tears on my face, he realized it
"why are you crying?"
"nah... it just, why your medical treatment take so long time" I lied..
"you should be patient. I'm okay"
damn how could I accepted his "I'm okay" ?!
we spent 3 days in HK, we go back to Guangzhou by car after visiting disneyland *though only the entrance* he got treatment around a week and we go back to Indonesia together.
in plane, I always strict for seat. I took near the window. my father was in the centre. after around 3 hours flight, he was so worried. Maybe because the effect of his disease. He told me to do this and that for him, and he said
"sorry, I'm sounded so fussy, didn't I?" I really wanted to slap myself.
arrived home late night, the next day I woke up and he went to my room telling that he wanted to borrow my guitar and played it
Guangzhou was too far, so he continue his treatment in Singapore. once a week he go back to back SG-Indo with grandpa, mom, uncle and my cousin.
until one strange day I realize that he couldn't speak. it's the effect. I was so sad. He sounded angry to himself, he even didn't want to look at me.
one day, family in Padang asked to take my father there because they also wanted to take care of him, beside, Singapore and Padang is close. So after from SG they went to Padang. it was around 10 days before he died.
2 days before National Exams, on early morning. My mom crying, on my face. I still fell asleep. And I woke up, she said to me "your father is okay now, he already healed. He's in peace, in heaven, my daughter"
I dropped a silent tears, telling everyone to get out, I don't want to hear it. I was so blank so I called my friend, Sarah, telling her in such uncommunicative way.
grandpa, mom, uncle, cousin and I went to airport. I was so dumb for not bringing my ID, so I went back home and went airport again. Therefore I only have flight with my cousin.
told you, the way there was so long. I arrived in father's family's house late night. We couldn't get to attended the funeral. Cannot see his face for the last time.
the next day I visit his grave, I could only said "hey pa" then praying.
after the first day of National Exam, a lot of friends visiting my house.
I could see my friends have "dude, your father passed away why you can still smiling?!" kind of face
because I remember his promise...
"don't cry, I'm okay, I'll be healed soon. So you don't have to cry"
I keep that dumb promise, though there're few times I crazily cry..
thanks dad for always understand me, knowing me better than others. Though I always be a bastard kid.
thanks dad for everything, although the word thanks far from enough..
Heaven is your home now
your late father and mother missed you and don't want to see you suffered, therefore they asked God to take you so you can be happy together with them :)
I love you dad
can I cry now for you who already healed, Dad?
Current Music: Alice Nine - Fantasy
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