hey!

ah long time no posting here! last time around January? I was hospitalized around January, but it was around 4 or 5 days lol. and I'm up to post my ff haha. so yeah I feel like my personal blog is abandoned.

whaddup lately? a lot of things happened of course.
so what am I up to now? like I said before, ff-ing! lol yeah¬

ah¬ I'm not sure what to post. I just want to post here cause I haven't been here lately.
so I guess that's all from me, I'll post things later¬



p.s: finally I got new laptop!! lol

404 page not found : brand new page

hei yo! howdy!
akemashite omedetou gozaimasu! happy new year everyone *it's way too late, I know* -__-

talk about 2012, it was "the lost year" for me.
why? because I lost a lot of things last year.
my Galaxy Tab, my father my cats Nugget and Negi, my scholarship to Japan, almost lost my life *lol yeah*, it was the saddest year in my life. I was shocked and frustrated, but I can do nothing except keep moving forward. so yeah this is it, I still can meet 2013, thanks God :D

and maybe this brand new year will be a make-up session *lol* because I'll begin my new life, I wish everything will go smoothly.

seriously I don't know what to say on this post haha
that's all maybe

hope this snake year will bring us luck, health and prosperity!
have a happy new page everyone! ;)


p.s: I'm working on multi chapter fic now, wish me luck! ><

Once Upon a Time, I Didn't Give a Damn

long time no write! I really engrossed on my fanfictions lately lol
oh, and tomorrow will be a Christmas Day! Meri Kuri for those who celebrate it!

so, what bugging me lately is "Mother's Day". Why?
2 days ago was Mother's Day in here Indonesia. And I dedicated it only for my grandma. What? Grandma also mother, right? She's always be my mother.
my real mother? screw her! I didn't put a care anymore, because she's also like that.
this is what I really really regret about my Father's death. Why? Why he has to be gone so early?!
why he left?! I'm lucky not living with my mother.
Father is the only one that I love
He is everything.

Me, as the oldest child here having a lot of responsibilities to do. Of course, after my father's death I should take his role! what she did now?! dumped her children and runaway?!
I don't want to be a daughter that has no thankful feeling toward her mother, but see, who's the one who started it!
there's one day about 2-3 weeks after Papa gone, I went to Jakarta for university's interview test, I should be in calm mode, no? she as a mother should understand it, and we live together 17 years she should know my characters! I, never wanted to be bothered by anything. And she angry, shouting at me saying I'm not a good daughter, never listening her words, blah blah blah, and she threw hard thing to me *laptop's battery if I'm not mistaken*. abusing.... she's abusing me a lot mentally and physically...? I wanted to laugh... laughing so hard... so hard that people might think I'm crazy or mentally ill.. I wanted to laugh...

I shouldn't post this.... what is it? disgrace?
dunno, I just couldn't help to write it..
I'm hurt...
thanks, humanly feeling...
thanks mom, for brought me to this world... for loving me and hating me... for sharing laughter and tears...
for every pore of your skin and beads of sweat struggling for me..
for standing and falling to me..
but this is the best for us, living separately
I know you love me
but whatever it is, you still my mother...
there's no mother who hate her children

I wanted to laugh...
why God punishing me?


I wanted to laugh...

Human Limitation

I begin to hate myself. No, I'm on my limit. Lately I'm so reckless, that what I said. I ended up feeling guilty. I can't take it anymore. Sorry, but I knew there still few that support me to say "it's okay" although it wasn't use. I wanna shout to everyone to listen to me. I'm pathetic, yes. I'm possessive, yes. But I have my own reason.
Thanks.

posted from Bloggeroid

your presence stay still

Evening!!

Hey it's me~ *who else could it be?!*
haha~ let's get started! by the way this should be posted yesterday, but due to my oh-so-snail connection, I post it today

so random, huh?
well today I got really bad headache, I don't know either why.. and I spent today with saving my energy
and around 1 pm I took a nap and I had dream.. a really clear dream
I dreamt about my father, he was in living room, and I had a really good time chat with him, until he asked me about school, and related to religion and stuff.. suddenly, he asked me to recite one of surah in quran.. I knew, but I can't recite it! I was like, 'dear god! why cant I remember it?!' I was a bit stuttered and asked my father if he could recite the very first part.. and then it went blank, I'm awake..
I think God and my father tried to warned me.. I haven't been reciting quran lately.. I felt sooooo bad!
It reminds me when my father still alive, no matter how busy he was, he still have time to recite quran.. I admire him for still remember he has time for religious thing..
somehow it reminds me of yesterday, I talked with my grandma.. and she said "your father is a truly kind man, he is great.. now he already in peace, in healthy condition.. he deserved that, hmm?" true! I would like to say a million true to that statement!


and this afternoon, after I woke up, I walked to windows in front of my bedroom door.. the sky was really calming! So after praying, I decided to took my novel who unfinished read it and my iPod.. I laid on the roof while reading the novel.. It was rare to see me laid on the roof lately.. because the temperature lately was soooooo damn hella hot! which is unusual today wasn't hot, instead it was calm and somewhat refreshing! I hope everyday was like this~

another good thing, I'm not on twitter today~~~~ soooo rare to see me not on twitter.. yeah, I was like there for every second!! I'm out of account balance on my blackberry, but that's the good reason, because I want to get rid my addiction to twitter.. but maybe I lost informations, hmm? since twitter is really fast for information stuff..


ah! I did ridiculous thing a while ago~ I just went up to my room with a plate of meal.. then I sat on my bed browsing fanfic.. and I found one interesting.. I read it while eating.. stupid me, I forgot that the rating was NC-17!!!!!! I almost choked by the rice that I eat XDDD but it doesn't matter actually~ because the fanfic is my forever OTP: ToraxSaga <3 do="do" i="i" really="really" them="them" together="together" wish="wish">///< *bricked* XDD


hopefully I have a lot of time like today to recharge my energy.. I don't know why I always been a sickly kiddo, even though I always try so hard to bear with the pain..
ah!! I'm sweating a lot! I'm going to shower, leh~

everyone please take care of yourself! :D

The Calming Sky

6 months.. Can You Hear, Dad?

Hello~

This posting gonna be a serious one I guess *surely?*
sa, go!

So, yesterday was the exact 6 months my father passed away. It feels like 6 years for me!
Time passed by so slowly, huh?
so I've been wondering what my father doing now up there? In heaven.. do he watch us? do he remember us? I always asked that everyday.
Pa, are you still by my side?
I lost the only role model of my life.. I lost someone as precious as him.. I lost almost everything of my life when he's not in this world..
I miss him, I miss you dad.. The only father that I have.. why you leave me?!
I always an introvert, but you, my father, always encouraged me to have confident in front of a sea of people.. you know that I cannot speak clearly but you never mocked me, like everyone, those who always said that I'm mute!
a few days ago, my heart stabbed when I entered my brother's room. He stuck your picture, in his study desk.. we missed you dad.. so much that we can't even describe how..


The constellation of Leo is twinkling again, bestowing this earth with tears

From that day, I've had one wing on my back
The night turns to day, and the memories from the stars fade


This sky, and this song, have lost their color, lost their sound
Why aren't they real?
Your dream engulfs me, becomes a star, and continues to sound out

The starry sky twinkles again, and it honors my tears
When I ran, I released lights; This world without you in it is "an illusion"

It's your fault that my heart aches

Even now, pieces stab my heart

yes dad, I only have one wing now, because you brought the other with you to your eternal home

My day just black and white now

every moment with you stabbed my heart so much


This flower, that bird, the wind, and the moon, they stop time

Even if I close my eyes and pretend to be someone else, it's useless
You, who have turned to ashes, were quite small
I don't understand, has this world gone crazy? It's so peaceful, ahh

The starry sky twinkles again, and it honors my tears
When I ran, I released lights; This world without you in it is "an illusion"

How many have passed by? The stars flow through the sky...
And here, I strum out the feeling that you gave to me, called "eternity"

From that day, I've had one wing on my back
Even when I pretend to call people with 'dad' you are just irreplaceable

has this world gone crazy dad?

this world without you is a complete illusion

for eternity dad.... you are always be my father

even I just have one wing now



you do know this song right, dad? the song that always remind me of you
Fantasy by Alice Nine

always... remind me of you..
can you hear, dad?

JROCK EVOLUTION 2012 in Jakarta

HOSSYAAAAAAH!!! *over excited* lol

hello everyone! I'm gonna share about JROCK EVOLUTION 2012 in Jakarta!
Sa, let's go!

So, Alice Nine arrived in Jakarta on 5th, and some of my twitter friends were went to airport, even following them to one of plaza in Jakarta *my friends were so lucky* *sigh*

And I departed to Jakarta the next day, on 6th, *number six! yeah~!* my plane boarding around 10, and so unlucky MUCC and UNiTE were arrived about an hour before -___- oh damn it~~~
what can I do then, right? well, I entered the plane and departed.. while take off, I don't know why my phobia of narrow space relapse.. so not good timing! then I listening to my iPod and head-banging *lol, lucky my row was empty*. arrived at Jakarta, I went to nee Cherry's house by bus, I stay there while in Jakarta.

straight on 7th!
I woke up around 5.15 am and check my twitter, Hiroto updating about what he supposed to call to Indonesian fans. He wrothe 'nasi-chan', 'nasi go milk', and the last made me laughed hard 'nasi goranger' looool! XDDD then I went bath,change my clothes, touch up, etc. Me and Cherry nee went to bus stop at 6.30 am *insane, huh?* the concert venue and Cherry nee's house is far, that's why.
Arrived at Gandaria City *the concert venue* around 8.30 that was a long way to go =__=
there was a few numbers of people. And my uke *ekhem* said she already arrived. And I saw a girl, I don't know why I had a feeling that she's my uke. Then I called her.... *loading* spot! true she is! we both laughed XDD waiting and waiting, Nyan and Abel arrived, waiting again, then kak Ay, doing project for TWW *we signed on Tora's poster* x3 I signed too! *hug Saga* (lol!), waiting agaain, and Esta came. We chated.
We felt a bit hungry, me and nyan went down to bought breads. And we heard scream! panic! nyan called abel. she said that Yukke *if not mistaken* was seen!! Argh!!!
we went up, eating, chated, until the body checking session started. Then we went up again queue in front the hall doors. There was goods stand. I bought a lot of goods! (-__-)
And the doors opened, we entered there, lucky there's no seated number, so nyan and abel got the 1st row of VIP, while me and esta got the 2nd. It was close!!
we waited the show started. The PVs played. My heart beat so fast ><

UNiTE was the first band who appeared! Awwwww! they're soo cute! everyone go rocking and head-banging! The first song was "IO"! And I sang like crazy xD and God! Haku soooo pretty! I screamed "haku-saaaan!!". Shiina Mio was in front of me. And he's cute and cool at the same time. Ah! And I just realized that LiN is the shortest *ups* and I screamed "Paulin!" at him *if you watch UNiTE's video message for SG, you know why XD* and and Yukimi!! he smiled a lot! sweet!!! :3 Yui too! he interacted with the audiences a lot!  UNiTE was performed 6 songs.
When UNiTE finished, we waited about 15 minutes *not sure* aaaand MUCC appeared!! Satochi, Tatsuro, Yukke and Miya walk to their position. And Tatsuro-san was barefoot! XD he wear black outfit, a cape like hoodie, something like that. so cool! Satochi-san look cute. Yukke-san also! his smile.... OMG!! and Miya-san soo cool!! The first song was "Falling Down". MUCC performance was the most passionate I guess. Everyone jumped and head-banging a lot! I screamed "Tatsuro-saan!" but my eyes fell to Miya-san XDD they performed like 12 song I guess.
When MUCC finished..... The last! The most audiences waiting for! Alice Nine! I was panicked! my heart beats so fast! I really want to see them! We could see them walk behind the black curtain.
The lights off..... the curtain open... and there they are!!! Tora was the first appeared. I screamed "Toraaaa" like crazy! Dude, he was sooooo handsome in real life!! Everyone appeared and there was Saga!! I screamed "Saga-saaan aishiteru yoo!!". The first song was "Senkou" the song that I hoped and knew that it will be played! And then Rainbows *favorite!!!*, then Heart of Gold, and then.... this song that I knew exactly will be played, and I laughed hard: Hana xDDD and then Haikara Naru Rinbun Kyoku * Shou was clapping his hands cutely in this song ><*, and then Fantasy, I cried when this song played! I once told why I cried whenever I listening to this song a long time ago. Yes! it reminds me of my late father! I was so thankful this song was played, and I silently talk to my father through my heart "papa, are you watching now? This song, which always remind me of you, now played directly by the band" I still cried, Esta looked confused, Nyan's friend was hugging me, it was so emotional :') After that Tsubasa was played! Then Red Carpet. Shukashuuto *the song that everyone waited!*, last one was The Beautiful Name. 10 songs they played! oh and they also did fanservice! kyaaa~ >< just a little ToraxSaga T-T Shou kissed Saga's neck *I guess*, Hiroto kissed Tora's cheek, Saga lick his bass *aaaaaaarrrrggghhhhhh!!!! I'm holding my nosebleed!!!*. Tora was really excited! he walk here and there to other members, a little dances *which is insanely cute!!*, he also to Nao-nii's place and nudged his chin >< and Saga, he was soo hyperactive XD he went to Nao-nii's place *which is higher* then jumped up so high, but a little unbalanced when he landed, almost fell, he just smiled playfully, not caring haha sasuga~ x3
oh!!! my precious moment! Saga was walked to the place in front of me where Hiroto had been.. Still played his bass, he looked toward me *or behind me, not sure* I screamed so hard "Saga-san!!!! Aishiteru yo!!!" then made a heart shape with both of my hands then pointing at him, and he smiled while nodding.. my heartd skipped a beat and I screamed again!
Esta also told me same story.. she said that Hiroto looked over her.. well we're not over confident to be honest, but that was real!! only God, Me, Esta and they knew it XDDD
when they finished I wanted to cry but I can't.

we walked out from the hall. Esta asked me to accompany her to goods stand. And! what shocked us, the employee told if we pre-order MUCC's upcoming single/album *I forgot* we can join the Meet&Greet! We  did the pre-order and waited for the Meet&Greet!!!
we waited until our chances came. I as soooo nervous! Entering the room I saw MUCC-san there!
the first was Satochi-san. I said "Maji sugoi desu!" then he bowed "terima kasih"
second was Yukke-san. I could only said "Yukke-san" because he smiled so sweetly while holding my hand, so I just drowned in his charisma >< *I bet my face was red!*
third was Miya-san. GOD!!!!!!! asdfghjkll!! he is soooo handsome!! he held my hand not only one hand, but 2!! his hands are bigger and sooo comfortable!! he diretly looked into my eyes. I said "ugh!! maji kakkoi da yoo!!!" *blushing I bet* and then he held my hand even tighter while bowing and said "arigatou" AARRGGGHHHH!! I'm so melted! I felt like want to hug him! but I'm affraid ToT
the last was Tatsuro-san. he gave the signed poster. Me then show the pencil that Cherry nee lent me and said "Tatsuro-san, kore wa pencil da yo~" he then stopped, then laughe a bit, with enthusiasm said "I know I know" I replied "haha see ya next time" while waving.
me and esta walked out and squealed!
we waited. MUCC-san suddenly walked out from the meet&greet room, Satochi-san was the last, I screamed a bit "satochi-san" and he looked at me!!

walked home was insanely tired! on Cherry nee's house, we even still remember everything on the concert

the next day, I should packed and go to airport. I made an estimation time *which was 3 hours early* -__-
I went to airport by bus, arrived around 12 and spent about almost 2 hours on a fast food restaurant! -__- my flight was 6pm *previously 7.45pm* then I went to coffee b*an, ordering chocolate while tweeting.. I tweeted like hoping to meet Alice Nine, MUCC and UNiTE in airport and AADC-ing with them xDD Cherry nee then respond asking "what's the soundtrack?" I said "Kowloon XDD" I laughed. Then Miya-san uploading a picture of fried gurame, I responded "kore wa gurame desu :D" then I locked my phone.. I was shocked when about a minute later the notification alert beeped. I saw Esta's tweet "neeek! congratulation!" I was confused! scrolling... aaand! Miya-san replied my tweet!! I don't know the first sentence, but the second was "mecha umai (^-^)/" I squealed! I still remember the feeling of he hel my hand and now he responded my tweet! is this fate? loooool!
then I checked in, waiting until around 10 minutes to boarding, and Cherry nee text me "They OTW to airport!" my breath hitched! I phoned Cheery nee, saying impossible, yamero, etc and crying!
yes, that was right, they went to airport, and I cried a lot until I entered the plane. The passenger beside me looked confused and worry and took a pity on me. He asked "are you okay, miss?" I just nodded still crying until the plane take off! In the middle, I was stopped crying, think positively, I knew I can see them again :)
when around 5 minutes about to landed, passenger beside me still feel guilty, he distracted my sadness by asking a lot of things.


I arrived home tiredly. But I smiled even though still sad, I knew I can see them, I knew they will come again
I know I will meet them personally. sa, mata kondo onegaishimasu, ne! please come again! :)

I bought a lot of goods!!!! DDDX

 Alice Nine : Court of 9 muffler towel and Court of 9 #2 pamphlet

 MUCC's Phone Strap and UNiTE's Photo Set

Ah! This is the signed poster by MUCC-san :)